Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Song Lyrics

I just do not understand song lyrics these days.

Maybe I'm the only one or I just don't understand the poignant social mores or maybe they mean absolutely nothing at all or maybe it's actually art.

So I did some research (aka nothing) and there are some serious flaws in the lyrics. Let's explore shall we:

Exhibit A. Katy Perry's "Roar"
I got the eye of the tiger *seriously, give the tiger it's eye back. like thats so rude.
a fighter *thats kidnapping guys
dancing through the fire *thats not recommended by the department of health and safety

Cause I am a champion *french mushroom
and you’re gonna hear me roar 

Louder, louder than a lion *how will your quantitatively measure that?

Cause I am a champion 
and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh * waiting for the roar

Oh oh oh oh oh oh *still waiting for the roar

Oh oh oh oh oh oh *im sorry that wasnt a roar that was backwards Santa

Exhibit B. Miley Cyrus' "We Can't Stop"

So la da di da di *someone sat on a keyboard and was too lazy to hit backspace
We like to party *well what else rhyme with dee? We like to: larty, carty, farty, charty, marty...walmarty
Dancing with Miley
Doing whatever we want *what we say to our parents
This is our house
This is our rules *what your parents say back
We can't stop. *this is a serious condition guys. It's called hyperhannahmontanieosis. There is no cure. 1 Americans is affected each year.

Exhibit C. Lorde's "Royals"

And we'll never be royals (royals). *duh. ever heard of Prince Willy and Kate Middly. 
It don't run in our blood,*well at least check ancestry.com
That kind of lux just ain't for us. *i dont know what lux is but i can only assume its some kind of beanie baby
We crave a different kind of buzz.*lightyear
Let me be your ruler (ruler),*like 30 cm or like a metre stick?
You can call me queen Bee *yah, beyonce aint so cool with that.
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule. *can you please finish your sentence thats like super distracting
Let me live that fantasy *football


Sunday, 27 October 2013


I just do not understand technology.

Let’s just get this elephant out of the room and talk about IOS7.
Thank you elephant. Ps. I like your kicks.

Okay IOS7. The BIG 7 of IOS.

Thats the number that comes after 6. Yes. The IOS7. 

You see the 7 represents a group of companions that set out on a journey to Mount Zoom Zoom to destroy a powerful iPad. One  iPad to rule them all.

that might be the plot of the Fellowship of the Ring...

Yah I don't know  anything about the IOS7.

Moving on...

It's videos, guys! And music channels! And movies! And commercials! 
So...let me get this straight. 

whats the difference between it and t.v?




Next, BBM.

This I know. I got this. 


Finally, blueberries will be able to communicate. They've been silent for too long. YOU GO AHEAD BLUEBERRIES. YOU SAY WHAT YOU GOTTA SAY.

and last but not least, Facebook.

Facebook is like Myspace's cooler relative that Myspace is always trying to be like but JUST CAN'T QUITE..

Facebook is all like: 

Myspace is all like:


I don't understand technology.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Door to Door Canvassing

I just do not understand how to do door to door canvassing

Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of weird canvassing stories. Well, maybe more than my fair share….I don’t really know why these things happen.

Here is my story: 

It was the year of grade 10. You know that year. Everyone still used msn and gave out emails like angelgirloxox_princess@hotmail.com.
Where I spent most of the morning worrying whether I could potentially be mistaken as a member of Hanson. The fear is real.

That was the year I realized, that I’ll never quite understand how to canvas.

I was collecting cans with my youth group for a local can drive. Seems like a pretty simple task. You know..knock knock…can we have cans..k bye.

After 10 houses, it seemed pretty straightforward.
This house was different. Here is the conversation.

*Ring doorbell*

*dishes clanging* *yelling* *pounding* *multiple locks being undone*

*Door opens*

man: WHAT!?

OKAY HOLD ON-let me paint you a picture here.

Gamer headset: check.
Hot dog in hand: check
Underwear and some gaming t-shirt: check
Mustard on shirt: check
Hatred for whoever was at the door: check

Okay back to the story..

me: excuse me sir, I am collecting cans for United way and I wa…

man: SHUT UP.

me: *terror* oh Im sorry..

man: im not talking to you *points to headset*

me: oh well…im collecting cans for united way…*cant remember whatever I said because I think I blacked out*

man: *yells to the back of the house* SASHA PAUSE THE GAME.

Me: *terror* *loses all sensation in limbs*


Me:oh...uh..im sorry I didn’t want to impose..

 Man: NOT YOU. *points to headset * WHAT DO YOU WANT

*assumes he is now talking to headset* *silence* *terror* *paralysis*


Me: oh um…charity…cans….help people…yes? (realllllll smooth rach)

Man: Oh yah theres no way im giving oyu anything.*dog walks up* (man starts speaking to dog) Good girl Sasha, you old meathead. *slams door*


Friday, 25 October 2013

How to be Smooth

I just do not understand how to be smooth.

In the Criminal Smoothness System, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who investigate the smoothness and the District Attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories..


(that was a Law and Order reference…and if you didn’t get it, well… That means you watch less t.v than I do so you go glen coco)

Working in cities like Toronto there are famous people buzzin about pretty frequently. If you walk down Yonge and Bloor you are bound to see one once in a while. So I was pretty excited when I saw my first one.
So naturally I start fan-girling and go over to say hi.

Unfortunately, it was not who I thought.

This is the conversation:

me: Oh my gosh! I’m such a big fan (mediocre fan-but you can’t go up to someone and say that….that’s just pathetic)!

The fact that this person looked really surprised should have been my first cue.

“famous” person: you’ve heard of me?


“famous” person: wow, not many people have heard of our band [insert band name ive never heard of].

me: *realize he is not who I think he is. *Panics
*more silence
*forgets how to smile, turns out like this...

“famous” person: *thinks I’m starstruck and that’s why I’m awkwardly silent. * Well come give me a hug then!
*more silence

me: yah…um.. I like bands…*walks away.

So theres that.