Women's Clothing Stores

I just do not understand women's clothing stores.

This has been a chicken* I've had for a while. 

*(please note I did not use "Beef", as that is reserved for larger issues like politics, philosophy and Netflix).

First of all, there are literally holes in everything. WHY. It's like Swiss Cheese wanted to break into the fashion industry. 

"Wow Jane, I love your dress!"

"Thanks, it's by Swizzy Chaze. "

Why am I paying more for something LESS material. I just do not understand. The logic is flawless.

These graphic tees are getting to be too much. They are seriously running out of ideas. 

Exhibit A: 

Just stop. like even the fact that it's spelled "gangsta" makes me want to cry.

Exhibit B.

....#wonderwhy


Also, let's discuss sale racks for a moment.

If I see something that's a single digit sale: you better believe thats where I am heading. But this is what gets my goat:

9.99 and up.


Wait, i'm sorry what was that? Did mice write that? little mice with a passion for fashion?

9.99 and UP?

That doesn't sound like a sale to me. It sounds like I have a $0.01 margin where it becomes outside of my price range.

Also, if there is not a mirror WITHIN my change room-your store is stupid and i hate it. 

If I want you to see me in these clothes, I WILL PURCHASE THEM. 

Also lighting. What is this-a candle lit restaurant. NO. Turn up your dang lights. This ain't a Tony Romas. 

Valentine's Day

So I know I haven't written in a while. I'm sure it's been the longest most difficult couple weeks of your life and you didn't know how to go on without knowing about things I don't understand.

But in the spirit of Valentine's Day-I thought it deserved one.

I just do not understand Valentine's Day.

Okay, that's a big Lie.

I LOVE VALENTINES DAY. SUE ME.
Chocolate is on sale. Flowers are everywhere and I can wear extreme amounts of pink without judgment. What's not to love!?

*i can almost feel the judgment coming through the computer screen*

ANYWAYS (haters gunna hate-potatoes gunna potate)
Remember in elementary school where you used to make the paper bags and people would stick cute valentines in them? And let's be serious, everyone loved the kid who put candy in theirs. 

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT. *ill staple one to my backpack so people can stick candy in it. * WOW IM A GENIUS.
I guess, That's what I don't understand. Valentines used to be cute, like: 

Let's examine the elements here:
cute puppy= check
heart=check
cute little message=check

SO CUTE.

and NOW this is what I see:

okay, wait this is kind of awesome. 
again...the elements:
heart: check
pink: check
cute little message: kinda stalkery but still acceptable
cute little creature: sure.

Okay, Let's try again.

my reaction:

"Excuse me, 9-1-1? Can I please speak to CSI? A stalker just left me a Valentine and also, i want a pizza...not sure if you do that-but you protect and serve soo...protect my right to have pizza served to me"

*k that was super unrelated but completely accurate.

and finally:

THE HORROR.


So please excuse me. It's time for me to go scout out some on sale chocolate, put my body weight's worth of cinnamon hearts into my bag and blast some Michael Buble. Bublay. Bubble? Whatever.