Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Airports


I just do not understand airports.

I love to travel. To here. To there. To That place. To that other place.
Super fun.
And if you get lucky, you get to have some pretty awesome experiences in airports. And by awesome, I mean horrifying.

Security. Where most of the horror goes on.
Remember that one time you forgot you had a fork in your pocket going through security?

It’s funny really-they can’t decide just what to judge you for. 
The fact you're so stupid you left a fork in your pocket or the fact there was a fork in your pocket for convienience sake. Both are valid reasons I guess. 
No regrets.


Or remember that time you were considered a threatening person and were given a patdown, described into the walky talky and then questioned? No? You don’t remember that?

I must say, it made me think back on anything I could have possibly ever done.
“oh my gosh. I put a bunch of fireworks in my checked baggage. Oh no. wait, no. I saw that in a movie. We’re cool.”


And now they have those full body scanners. And I make this face the whole time.

I don’t know what it is about airports but when I see a starbucks, its like a beacon of light swells around it.
“Hi I’ll have a half sweet lactose free light ice chai tea latte”
“All we have is dark or light roast”
“oh okay, ill have a light roast”
“That will be $15”
….I hate everything.

What’s with this computer self check in these days.
“Please insert your passport”
*inserts passport
“system does not recognize. Please try again.”
*reinserts passport
“system does not recognize. Please try again”
*rage builds up *reinserts passport
“system does not recognize. Please try again”

GIRL YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE.

That one time I met Jean Cretian and got him to sign my napkin like I was a fan girl. Not really sure where that napkin is. Probably off with that fork somewhere…Also, I got the prime minister to sign a napkin so…it’s safe to say I ran the country guys.


Stupid story of the week: The year was 2000. I was young. I was na├»ve.  I was curious. I called 911 in the airport to see if the phone dialed out. I was in lots of trouble.

Wow. Maybe I am a threat to national security. 

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Board Games


I just do not understand board games.

Recently, I’ve been playing a lot of board games (don’t even pretend like it’s not cool) and I’ve begun to realize how little I understand about them.

Also you should know, if I don’t know or understand the rules, I make them up.
So I guess it’s pretty safe to say I’m like a wizard.
Like take monopoly for example.
A game designed to tear families and life long friendships apart.

Before monopoly: I love you so much Jimmy!
During Monopoly: HAHAHAHAH GO TO JAIL YOU LOSER.

Before monopoly: Nothing will ever come between us.
During monopoly: Mortgage EVERYTHING you have. 
Also, I know this isn’t exactly a board game but can we just talk about Twister for a second? This is my nightmare. It requires coordination AND flexibility AND tolerance of people being close to me. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. 
Seriously.  It’s like two evil flexible people got together and were like “lets create a torture instrument with colors and body parts and disguise it as a party game. Muahahahahahhahahaha” *as said by Morgan Freeman.
Just stare at it fore a while. It's mesmerizing.
Also Yahtzee.
The game no one knows how to play.
Settlers of Catan.
Where nothing makes sense but everything makes sense?
Operation:
The game that taught me anxiety and that there are horses in my knee.
Checkers.
Chess for dumb people.
Scrabble
The government’s way of getting you to come up with crosswords. It’s all a conspiracy guyz.

Now that I've sufficiently ruined board games for you, have a wonderful Tuesday. XOXOX (That's not 'hugs and kisses', I just beat you at tic-tac-toe...)

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

the Gym


I just do not understand the gym.
Wait, maybe I should rephrase that.

I just do not understand what goes on at the gym.

It’s great to stay fit and healthy but if you are a new comer it can be kind of intimidating to pick up on the lingo. 
But there is a secret language used in the gym and I’ve taken it upon myself to share it with you all.


Why has this never been published before you ask?
Could it be a conspiracy?
Governmental intervention?
A plot to steal the declaration of independence?

The answer just might shock you.

Or maybe I just made this all up and you need to move on with your life.

Or maybe…


 Okay, down to biznaz...
Item #1:
“Burpee”
This is actually not just making large burps and walking around the gym. I KNOW. PLOT TWIST.
It’s actually a maneuver that has 2 purposes.
To make you feel inadequate at pushups.
And to make you feel inadequate at jumping.



Item #2
“Zumba”
a group workout activity that burns fat, kicks up your cardio and kills your dreams of ever thinking you were a good dancer.

Item #3
The Weights area
This is called the 'Testosterzone'. 
Just be warned, that if you are to enter this area to be equipped to thoroughly wash your hands after and to not make eye contact. Remember, They are more afraid of you than you are of them. To fit in, look in the mirror and repeat phrases such as “Whose that gorgeous beast I see in the mirror?" and "Is that you Mr. Bicep?” 


Item #4
Lululemon.
Actually pronounced “lou lull leemon”. This is a French term for ‘stealing your money’. 

Item #5
The Treadmill.
This is where you attempt to beat whoever is next to you in a race that no one knows is going on. 



Item #7
The elliptical
This is the treadmill’s less popular cousin that never gets invited to thanksgiving. Or if you are too lazy to go on the treadmill that day.
Item #8
"Bro, do you even lift"
This is actually a phrase that is often shortened to save time. It is actually: "Brother, do you even lift open the pages of that new Nicholas Sparks novel last night? It was simply divine. I need to discuss my emotions"
So if you hear this, begin to engage them to discuss all the feels you have about The Notebook, A Walk to Remember and the like. You'll be best friends in no time.

Now that you have this guide you will be able to effectively navigate the gym.
So get going! 
Get to the gym, sweat it out and eat 3 protein bars after just to make sure you are building muscle guyz

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Exams

I just do not understand exams.

It's that time of year again, and I know I know, we ALL go through them and we all think we have it the worst.
Here is a synopsis of your past couple weeks:
"ALL MY CHEETOS ARE GONE NOW AND I HAVE NOTHING. NOTHING! ALL MY SNACKS ARE GONE AND NOW I HAVE TO STTUUUDYYY"

"Look at those happy people who don't have exams. So young. So free. Don't look at me. Just go."

but let's face it, we all need a study break. So people, put down that big bag of 'study snack' (yah i know what you did), stop crying, and ladies take that big ol' Mulan bun out on the top of your head.
Let's talk.

Can we talk about essays for a second? 
We are told the whole semester, "a good essay cannot be written the day before it is due" and then all of a sudden during exams it's all like "YOU HAVE ONE HOUR TO WRITE THE BEST ESSAY YOU HAVE EVER WRITTEN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE."

and i'm all like..
and


Also, who is the evil person who came up with multiple multiples?
A. B. C. D. THATS IT. I don't need none of this a b c d and sometimes Y nonsense.

And it never fails. I always end up studying next to one of the classic Library stereotypes. 

Stereotype # 1: The gum chewer. 
 And by gum, i mean concrete. And by chewer, I mean destroyer.



Stereotype #2: The heavy breather.



Excuse me, are you Darth Vader? No?

alright then.
Buh-bye.

Stereotype #3: The Obnoxious Couple

"Babe. Babe. Babe. I'm hungry. I'm gunna go get food."
"babe. babe. I'll be RIGHT BACK babe. I miss you already babey boo boo boo."

Me:

Stereotype #4: The Boom Boom Pow

I get it. You like your music loud.  And you like listening to 'mad beats by Dre'.


Don't get me wrong. I love music. And I love listening to it loud. But I'm seriously concerned for your hearing. When the bass drops in the song, I'd rather not think there was a small explosion somewhere in the library. 
OH and by the way, I don't keep looking up at you and sighing because I'm sad that I am not listening to these 'sick beats' too.
It's cause I wish you'd "party rock'' your behind out of the library.

Stereotype #5: The Chatty Cathys. 

Step 1: Take out books
Step 2: Never look at them ever again.
Step 3: Talk about how much you hate your professor/that class/how life is just unfair and you are merely a victim of the system/that new episode of the secret life of werewolf girls of grey's anatomy




And to be clear, I have obviously never ever done any of these.

Cause I'm perfect.




So good luck on exams, and if you encounter a stereotype, maybe give them a break.
Chances are, you are probably just as annoying.