Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Celebrity Fragrances

I just do not understand celebrity fragrances.

Like who was sitting in a room and was thinking “I want everyone to smell like me. That’s the dream.”


Is it necessary TO SMELL like someone?

Also, the names…I can’t even.

Kim Kardashian: Pure Honey.

Yah…that’s exactly what I want to do. Coat myself in honey. MADNESS. 


Justin Bieber: girlfriend.

Could that not be a more generic name?
I’ll just come out with one called Person by Rachael


Also, the fact that Bruce Willis has a fragrance is just too much for me. I took the liberty to come up with the slogan.

Live fast. Smell nice.



Or One Direction.
“Our Moment”
This isn’t a moment. It’s smelly water. Can we just calm down please.



The commercials are the best part.

They are so dramatic. Like REALLY dramatic. It’s like watching Titanic x The Lord of the Rings, if the orcs were replaced with Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman. (wow someone should make that movie *mental note to self)

There are meaningful stares in the camera. Some playful blushing.
“This moment is perfect. YOURE perfect. It just doesn’t…smell right.”




Also, I confess I thought “Eau de toilette” meant it smelled like a toilet for a very long time.


Guys, it was a FANCY toilet.

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Middle School

I just do not understand middle school.

So, it's finals week so obviously I decided to open up my middle school year books. It's procrastination at it's finest.

It unleashed the horror that was my middle school years.
I know, I know. We all go through that 'awkward' phase, but let's be clear-some of us didn't get the gift of gracefully getting through it. And it's not the cute awkward either.

Like..
"like omgsh, i was so nerdy. I had glasses and braces".

 No no no it was More like..
"I wear powerpuff girls sandals that are basically orthopaedic because I'm concerned about my foot health." and "carrying around a briefcase will make me look more professional"

Anyways, I was looking at the comments in my yearbooks and I think it paints a pretty good picture of my life in middle school. Normally, people get things like "You rock, don't ever change!" This is what can be found in mine. None of these have been edited. Enjoy.


“It sucks I don’t know your last name”

“Grow up to best the best person ever”

“Guess what. I think I’m the first person to spell your name right! ;)” 



“You deserve to have my email”

“I had ego waffles for breakfast yesterday! Boy was it yummy”

“Keep being a vegetarian” never been vegetarian

“u r da nicest person ive ever seen"

“I met you this year and now im leaving you”


“lol nice fall” thanks



“Hi Rachael. I was tired of Ms. C saying u got a great journal ”



"To  Rache"


“I’m the first to sign”



“Stay Smart Rachael”

“*signs name-when I’m famous this will be valuable”

ANNNND that about sums up me in middle school. 

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

The Bus


I just do not understand public transportation.

Yes, it is great for the environment. YAY for energy conservation!
But let's be real with each other shall we?

Sometimes what goes on in these buses...is just...incomprehensible. 

Exhibit A.
More staring goes on while on the bus than goes on in the Twilight trilogy. And that says something.





Y'all need to stop that nonsense.

Exhibit B.
The bus: where schedules go to die.
When I get off the bus, I'm all like..

Exhibit C.
To be quite honest, there is literally no such thing as personal space. Which is fine...it's just the most uncomfortable thing


or when there is an unexpected turn and you end up accidentally have to lean on someone and they look at you like

Exhibit D.
When people don't move to let you off at your stop.
Exhibit E.
The fact that you are literally sitting in a sauna of germs. Every disease imaginable? Congratulations...
Let's not mistake that public transit is actually great and saves tons of energy. Life is busy, I get it. Take a minute, take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.
Well, don't breathe in too deep...remember...disease. If I've learned anything from studying Microbiology it's that disease is everywhere and you probably have one.  Happy Tuesday!

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Airports


I just do not understand airports.

I love to travel. To here. To there. To That place. To that other place.
Super fun.
And if you get lucky, you get to have some pretty awesome experiences in airports. And by awesome, I mean horrifying.

Security. Where most of the horror goes on.
Remember that one time you forgot you had a fork in your pocket going through security?

It’s funny really-they can’t decide just what to judge you for. 
The fact you're so stupid you left a fork in your pocket or the fact there was a fork in your pocket for convienience sake. Both are valid reasons I guess. 
No regrets.


Or remember that time you were considered a threatening person and were given a patdown, described into the walky talky and then questioned? No? You don’t remember that?

I must say, it made me think back on anything I could have possibly ever done.
“oh my gosh. I put a bunch of fireworks in my checked baggage. Oh no. wait, no. I saw that in a movie. We’re cool.”


And now they have those full body scanners. And I make this face the whole time.

I don’t know what it is about airports but when I see a starbucks, its like a beacon of light swells around it.
“Hi I’ll have a half sweet lactose free light ice chai tea latte”
“All we have is dark or light roast”
“oh okay, ill have a light roast”
“That will be $15”
….I hate everything.

What’s with this computer self check in these days.
“Please insert your passport”
*inserts passport
“system does not recognize. Please try again.”
*reinserts passport
“system does not recognize. Please try again”
*rage builds up *reinserts passport
“system does not recognize. Please try again”

GIRL YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE.

That one time I met Jean Cretian and got him to sign my napkin like I was a fan girl. Not really sure where that napkin is. Probably off with that fork somewhere…Also, I got the prime minister to sign a napkin so…it’s safe to say I ran the country guys.


Stupid story of the week: The year was 2000. I was young. I was na├»ve.  I was curious. I called 911 in the airport to see if the phone dialed out. I was in lots of trouble.

Wow. Maybe I am a threat to national security. 

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Board Games


I just do not understand board games.

Recently, I’ve been playing a lot of board games (don’t even pretend like it’s not cool) and I’ve begun to realize how little I understand about them.

Also you should know, if I don’t know or understand the rules, I make them up.
So I guess it’s pretty safe to say I’m like a wizard.
Like take monopoly for example.
A game designed to tear families and life long friendships apart.

Before monopoly: I love you so much Jimmy!
During Monopoly: HAHAHAHAH GO TO JAIL YOU LOSER.

Before monopoly: Nothing will ever come between us.
During monopoly: Mortgage EVERYTHING you have. 
Also, I know this isn’t exactly a board game but can we just talk about Twister for a second? This is my nightmare. It requires coordination AND flexibility AND tolerance of people being close to me. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. 
Seriously.  It’s like two evil flexible people got together and were like “lets create a torture instrument with colors and body parts and disguise it as a party game. Muahahahahahhahahaha” *as said by Morgan Freeman.
Just stare at it fore a while. It's mesmerizing.
Also Yahtzee.
The game no one knows how to play.
Settlers of Catan.
Where nothing makes sense but everything makes sense?
Operation:
The game that taught me anxiety and that there are horses in my knee.
Checkers.
Chess for dumb people.
Scrabble
The government’s way of getting you to come up with crosswords. It’s all a conspiracy guyz.

Now that I've sufficiently ruined board games for you, have a wonderful Tuesday. XOXOX (That's not 'hugs and kisses', I just beat you at tic-tac-toe...)