Friday, 24 April 2015

First Dates

I just do not understand first dates.

First of all, what is a date?

The dictionary defines a date as..

an oblong, fleshy fruit, a staple food in northern AfricaArabia, etc., and an important export.


So it just so happens that it was 1st grade and all 
was well with the world...well sort of. 

I hadn't quite discovered brushing my hair, and I 
had the ease and grace of  well...T-swift's dancing at 
award shows.

Just take it in.

Pretty sure I still dance like that but let's tackle one issue at a time...

So you may not classify a date in 1st grade as a 'date', but guys, THIS WAS REAL LIFE and just because his mom was there and about 20 other children didn't make it any less special. (well now that I put it in writing its almost as if Billy just invited me to his birthday and called it a date....What a cheap skate)

So billy invited me snow tubing, which to all you people who live in places without snow...thats where you slide down a snowy hill on a donut of death plunging towards the bottom praying that you don't hit a tree, another kid or flip over. But somehow its the most invigorating experience of your young life, even when -40 wind chills scar your face with what can only be described as freezer burn.

Anyways, I was excited and yet confused that I was going to an all boy's birthday party and slightly concerned he had mistaken me for the new dutch boy in school, richard. But I was optimistic. THIS WAS A DATE.

SO because I come from a family of health professionals, I also come from a family who knows everything and anything about safety and what can kill you. 

Let's go over what normal kids wore tubing:


a winter jacket
a hat
a bike helmet or if you were cool,  a snowboarding helmet

What I wore:

2 layers of pants
snowpants that doubled as overalls
socks (I wore these on my hands thank you very much)
a hat
last but not least...
a hockey goalie helmet (with. cage.)

Being in grade 1, I was approximately the size of a newborn baby, and had much difficulty actually holding my head up under the weight of the helmet...something that would later become problematic.

All was going swimmingly  (tubingly?), and I seemed to be fitting in nicely. This would appear to you to be a good thing, but lets just remind ourselves this was an all boys birthday party.

I had finally got the courage to go down the hill so I strapped on my   65 lb helmet and was ready to go. I wobbled around and waiting for the tube lift to take me up to hill.
This was it. My opportunity to impress Billy with my snow skills.
What I imagined in my head was me zipping down the hill, maybe doing a double flip and landing with my hair flowing in the wind. 

But instead, here's what actually happened.

As soon as I started going down the hill, I immediately regretted my decision. I proceeded to scream and flail my limbs like a bird trying to fly far far away from here. The flailing however, only seemed to aggravate the tube which sent me flying in the air and onto the snowy hill. 

So I'm lying on this hill thinking, "wow that was embarrassing" and "lets never do that again" when out of my periphery I can see the next kid coming down the hill straight at me.

Remember when I said the helmet was heavy? Yah well. it was so heavy I couldn't actually lift it out of the snow. The cage of the helmet had dug so deep in the snow, there was just a face down child that could be seen popping out of the snow. SO the entire birthday party including Billy ended up running over my head as I lay there helpless on the hill. Yes the helmet protected my brain, but it did not protect my pride. 

I thought "Well nothing even matters anymore.. *kid runs over my head* it cant be worse that this *another kid runs over my head* this should have been richard *kid runs over my head*"

It was my first date, and my date ran over my head with a tube.
Later, after everyone was down the hill, they realized I was missing, and saw a tiny body laying face down on the hill, her head buried in the snow just waiting for the  sweet embrace of frost bite. His mom and other kids had to pry my giant helmet and head from the snow and thats where me and Billy's young love went to die.

And that my friends, is why I don't understand first dates.

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