Women's Clothing Stores

I just do not understand women's clothing stores.

This has been a chicken* I've had for a while. 

*(please note I did not use "Beef", as that is reserved for larger issues like politics, philosophy and Netflix).

First of all, there are literally holes in everything. WHY. It's like Swiss Cheese wanted to break into the fashion industry. 

"Wow Jane, I love your dress!"

"Thanks, it's by Swizzy Chaze. "

Why am I paying more for something LESS material. I just do not understand. The logic is flawless.

These graphic tees are getting to be too much. They are seriously running out of ideas. 

Exhibit A: 

Just stop. like even the fact that it's spelled "gangsta" makes me want to cry.

Exhibit B.

....#wonderwhy


Also, let's discuss sale racks for a moment.

If I see something that's a single digit sale: you better believe thats where I am heading. But this is what gets my goat:

9.99 and up.


Wait, i'm sorry what was that? Did mice write that? little mice with a passion for fashion?

9.99 and UP?

That doesn't sound like a sale to me. It sounds like I have a $0.01 margin where it becomes outside of my price range.

Also, if there is not a mirror WITHIN my change room-your store is stupid and i hate it. 

If I want you to see me in these clothes, I WILL PURCHASE THEM. 

Also lighting. What is this-a candle lit restaurant. NO. Turn up your dang lights. This ain't a Tony Romas. 

Valentine's Day

So I know I haven't written in a while. I'm sure it's been the longest most difficult couple weeks of your life and you didn't know how to go on without knowing about things I don't understand.

But in the spirit of Valentine's Day-I thought it deserved one.

I just do not understand Valentine's Day.

Okay, that's a big Lie.

I LOVE VALENTINES DAY. SUE ME.
Chocolate is on sale. Flowers are everywhere and I can wear extreme amounts of pink without judgment. What's not to love!?

*i can almost feel the judgment coming through the computer screen*

ANYWAYS (haters gunna hate-potatoes gunna potate)
Remember in elementary school where you used to make the paper bags and people would stick cute valentines in them? And let's be serious, everyone loved the kid who put candy in theirs. 

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT. *ill staple one to my backpack so people can stick candy in it. * WOW IM A GENIUS.
I guess, That's what I don't understand. Valentines used to be cute, like: 

Let's examine the elements here:
cute puppy= check
heart=check
cute little message=check

SO CUTE.

and NOW this is what I see:

okay, wait this is kind of awesome. 
again...the elements:
heart: check
pink: check
cute little message: kinda stalkery but still acceptable
cute little creature: sure.

Okay, Let's try again.

my reaction:

"Excuse me, 9-1-1? Can I please speak to CSI? A stalker just left me a Valentine and also, i want a pizza...not sure if you do that-but you protect and serve soo...protect my right to have pizza served to me"

*k that was super unrelated but completely accurate.

and finally:

THE HORROR.


So please excuse me. It's time for me to go scout out some on sale chocolate, put my body weight's worth of cinnamon hearts into my bag and blast some Michael Buble. Bublay. Bubble? Whatever.

Growing up

I just do not understand growing up.

I get it. I'm an "adult" now. I have to make "grown up" decisions. And speak in "full sentences". and candy isn't a "proper meal"

But there are certain things I refuse to give up.

1.  I will always weep at Disney movies.

"You go Cinderella. You go get your happily ever after girl"

2. I will always have an irrational fear of furbies.

and by irrational I mean completely rational because I mean...look at them.

3. There is nothing on this Earth that can stop me from dancing when the Backstreet Boys come on the radio.

4. I will still take life advice from Lizzie McGuire.

5. I reserve the right to believe that light up shoes make me run faster

6. I like to talk to tomatoes, a squash can make me smile and I like to waltz with potatoes up and down the produce isle so... 

7. Chicken fingers will, and will always be, my favourite.

sooooo grown up shhhmooonup. Give me my chocolate milk.

Celebrity Fragrances

I just do not understand celebrity fragrances.

Like who was sitting in a room and was thinking “I want everyone to smell like me. That’s the dream.”

Is it necessary TO SMELL like someone?

Also, the names…I can’t even.

Kim Kardashian: Pure Honey.

Yah…that’s exactly what I want to do. Coat myself in honey. MADNESS. 

Justin Bieber: girlfriend.

Could that not be a more generic name?

I’ll just come out with one called Person by Rachael

Also, the fact that Bruce Willis has a fragrance is just too much for me. I took the liberty to come up with the slogan.

Live fast. Smell nice.

Or One Direction.

“Our Moment”

This isn’t a moment. It’s smelly water. Can we just calm down please.

The commercials are the best part.

They are so dramatic. Like REALLY dramatic. It’s like watching Titanic x The Lord of the Rings, if the orcs were replaced with Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman. (wow someone should make that movie *mental note to self)

There are meaningful stares in the camera. Some playful blushing.

“This moment is perfect. YOURE perfect. It just doesn’t…smell right.”

Also, I confess I thought “Eau de toilette” meant it smelled like a toilet for a very long time.

Guys, it was a FANCY toilet.

Middle School

I just do not understand middle school.

So, it's finals week so obviously I decided to open up my middle school year books. It's procrastination at it's finest.

It unleashed the horror that was my middle school years.
I know, I know. We all go through that 'awkward' phase, but let's be clear-some of us didn't get the gift of gracefully getting through it. And it's not the cute awkward either.

Like..
"like omgsh, i was so nerdy. I had glasses and braces".

 No no no it was More like..
"I wear powerpuff girls sandals that are basically orthopaedic because I'm concerned about my foot health." and "carrying around a briefcase will make me look more professional"

Anyways, I was looking at the comments in my yearbooks and I think it paints a pretty good picture of my life in middle school. Normally, people get things like "You rock, don't ever change!" This is what can be found in mine. None of these have been edited. Enjoy.

“It sucks I don’t know your last name”

“Grow up to best the best person ever”

“Guess what. I think I’m the first person to spell your name right! ;)” 

“You deserve to have my email”

“I had ego waffles for breakfast yesterday! Boy was it yummy”

“Keep being a vegetarian” never been vegetarian

“u r da nicest person ive ever seen"

“I met you this year and now im leaving you”

“lol nice fall” thanks

“Hi Rachael. I was tired of Ms. C saying u got a great journal ”

"To  Rache"

“I’m the first to sign”

“Stay Smart Rachael”

“*signs name-when I’m famous this will be valuable”

ANNNND that about sums up me in middle school. 

The Bus

I just do not understand public transportation.

Yes, it is great for the environment. YAY for energy conservation!

But let's be real with each other shall we?

Sometimes what goes on in these buses...is just...incomprehensible. 

Exhibit A.
More staring goes on while on the bus than goes on in the Twilight trilogy. And that says something.

Y'all need to stop that nonsense.

Exhibit B.

The bus: where schedules go to die.

When I get off the bus, I'm all like..

Exhibit C.

To be quite honest, there is literally no such thing as personal space. Which is fine...it's just the most uncomfortable thing

or when there is an unexpected turn and you end up accidentally have to lean on someone and they look at you like

Exhibit D.

When people don't move to let you off at your stop.

Exhibit E.

The fact that you are literally sitting in a sauna of germs. Every disease imaginable? Congratulations...

Let's not mistake that public transit is actually great and saves tons of energy. Life is busy, I get it. Take a minute, take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.

Well, don't breathe in too deep...remember...disease. If I've learned anything from studying Microbiology it's that disease is everywhere and you probably have one.  Happy Tuesday!