Birthdays

I just do not understand birthdays. 

So, I just turned another year older.

Thank you, thank you. You're too kind.

But have you ever noticed that whenever you reach a milestone birthday, people say 'Congratulations' like it's some kind of accomplishment?

"Good Job, you lived."

Like do we not understand how birthdays work? 
They are kind of an annual thing. 

For those confused, let me explain to you what a birthday is:

"A birthday is where you get all your friends and family together to light a cake on fire to celebrate something that you did absolutely no work for. "-Webster's Dictionary

If only I got celebrated for all the times I didn't do any work.

"Congratulations!!!! You spent the ENTIRE DAY watching NETFLIX!! YOU GO GIRL! YOURE AN INSPIRATION!"

Also, when I was little, a girl got me candy as a birthday gift. I went inside for 2 seconds and she ate it while I was inside.

It's still hard for me to talk about.

University Stereotypes

Walking around and people watching on campus is literally one of my favourite things. It's HILARRRRIOUS. People do the craziest stuff when they are stressed out. One time, I saw a guy come into the weights section of the gym, pull up a mat and take a big  ol nap. It was beautiful.
Something I noticed while I was creepily people watching is the university stereotypes. Seriously, its a thing guys. I just do not understand them.

Let me explain.


First year (Froshies. noobs)

Ah, look at them. So fresh faced. Just finished promming. 

They have all these wild ambitions.

and everyone else is all like:

Also, you can spot them a mile away. They still leave the library to eat. I have literally no shame about this. I'd like to try and test the limit sometime. Maybe a 'make your own taco' station at the back of the main floor. Any takers?

And then you get onto...

Second Year (the 'oh my goodness I'm not even half way done' year)

Generally, I find this is the year people get super opinion-y. I'm all for social change and a better tomorrow but sometimes I'm not really sure what they are saying.

Me: *at subway* Yes, I would like some guac on my sub.
Subway person: oh, we are out of guac right now. 
Me: Oh dang. *jokes* Man, the world is running out of guac! 

Person in front of me in Subway line: 

My response: 

Moral of this story: Be the guac you want to see on your sandwich. #deep

Third Year: (the 'so close yet so far')

Day 1:

Day 2: 

and last but not least,

Fourth year (the final frontier)

Summed up in one picture:

so close. 

Happy Tuesday!

Final Exams

Ah, spring is in the air. Look at that sun shine! Hear those bird sing!

Oh wait, you can't because you are in the lower ground of a library that looks like a dungeon for books. Or is that what all libraries are.....

And then just when you are done with all your final assignments, you get the perfect thank you known
as


FINAL EXAMS.

wow. Look at how tough that font looks. I wouldn't want to mess with that font. It's like looking at your arch nemesis. Tough, brooding. Kind of like my own personal nemesis: 

Disgusting.

ah, that's better.

Anyways,

as I approach one of my last final exam season, I am reminded of some excellent study tips I have picked up over the years. I have decided to share them with you because I am your best friend.

Study Tip #1: Spend 70% of your study time using grade calculators.
They can accurately calculate how much you should freak out for this exam.

Study Tip #2: Find good study partners
My person favourites are these wonderful people named Ben and Jerry. Such sweet people. Can be a little cold sometimes.

Study Tip #3: Read the sillybus.
Excuse me, Syllabus.
It will help you figure out what textbooks you didn't buy.

Study Tip #4: Exercise
Look at this puppy. He is saying "Why would I be cramming, when I could work on my hammys?"

OKAY IM AWARE HE ISNT WORKING HIS HAMMYS IN THIS. OH MY GOODNESS people, i completed an anatomy colouring book just like EVERYONE else. He is clearly working his phalange.

Study Tip #5: Find some good study snacks
Suddenly things you would never ever eat become viable options.

Study Tip #6: Studying Osmosis

Study tip #7: When your prof says something won't be on exam, it most definitely will be.

These are fool proof guys.

Happy Studying! Keep your head up! Just remember:

Oh wait, he dies. 

Maybe that was a bad example.

Art

*please read this in a French accent. OBV it's in italics*
I just do not understand ze art.
Ah, Art. Dreams put on ze canvas. Ah, art. A lot of funny words end in 'art'. You know the onez I mean... 

.
.
.
.

Chart.

What were you thinking of ? 

Get your head out of ze gutter. 


Okay, so I'm all about appreciating fine art, but I'm a girl that loves a good movie. Not those 'pew pew pew' no plot line kinda shin digs. You know the ones:

What can I say? I need a solid plot line. So when I look at art, I can't help but caption. It's in my blood. My Nature. My bones. My hair. My clothes. Wait, what?

Anyways, 
for your viewing pleasure, I present to you,  Rachael's First Annual Museum of Fine Art and what I believe should be the captions. Enjoy.

                                                              *Judging you*

"Bill, wheres the camera Bill? Where Do I look in the camera, Bill? Am I doing it right, Bill?"

*thinking about being at home in sweatpants watching netflix*

"Seriously, go to sleep. WHO brought the parrot home? WHAT did mommy say about bringing parrots into this house"

The First Hipster

Trip to the Bathroom

AND FINALLY

                                                        " I let the dogs out."

Women's Clothing Stores

I just do not understand women's clothing stores.

This has been a chicken* I've had for a while. 

*(please note I did not use "Beef", as that is reserved for larger issues like politics, philosophy and Netflix).

First of all, there are literally holes in everything. WHY. It's like Swiss Cheese wanted to break into the fashion industry. 

"Wow Jane, I love your dress!"

"Thanks, it's by Swizzy Chaze. "

Why am I paying more for something LESS material. I just do not understand. The logic is flawless.

These graphic tees are getting to be too much. They are seriously running out of ideas. 

Exhibit A: 

Just stop. like even the fact that it's spelled "gangsta" makes me want to cry.

Exhibit B.

....#wonderwhy


Also, let's discuss sale racks for a moment.

If I see something that's a single digit sale: you better believe thats where I am heading. But this is what gets my goat:

9.99 and up.


Wait, i'm sorry what was that? Did mice write that? little mice with a passion for fashion?

9.99 and UP?

That doesn't sound like a sale to me. It sounds like I have a $0.01 margin where it becomes outside of my price range.

Also, if there is not a mirror WITHIN my change room-your store is stupid and i hate it. 

If I want you to see me in these clothes, I WILL PURCHASE THEM. 

Also lighting. What is this-a candle lit restaurant. NO. Turn up your dang lights. This ain't a Tony Romas. 

Valentine's Day

So I know I haven't written in a while. I'm sure it's been the longest most difficult couple weeks of your life and you didn't know how to go on without knowing about things I don't understand.

But in the spirit of Valentine's Day-I thought it deserved one.

I just do not understand Valentine's Day.

Okay, that's a big Lie.

I LOVE VALENTINES DAY. SUE ME.
Chocolate is on sale. Flowers are everywhere and I can wear extreme amounts of pink without judgment. What's not to love!?

*i can almost feel the judgment coming through the computer screen*

ANYWAYS (haters gunna hate-potatoes gunna potate)
Remember in elementary school where you used to make the paper bags and people would stick cute valentines in them? And let's be serious, everyone loved the kid who put candy in theirs. 

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT. *ill staple one to my backpack so people can stick candy in it. * WOW IM A GENIUS.
I guess, That's what I don't understand. Valentines used to be cute, like: 

Let's examine the elements here:
cute puppy= check
heart=check
cute little message=check

SO CUTE.

and NOW this is what I see:

okay, wait this is kind of awesome. 
again...the elements:
heart: check
pink: check
cute little message: kinda stalkery but still acceptable
cute little creature: sure.

Okay, Let's try again.

my reaction:

"Excuse me, 9-1-1? Can I please speak to CSI? A stalker just left me a Valentine and also, i want a pizza...not sure if you do that-but you protect and serve soo...protect my right to have pizza served to me"

*k that was super unrelated but completely accurate.

and finally:

THE HORROR.


So please excuse me. It's time for me to go scout out some on sale chocolate, put my body weight's worth of cinnamon hearts into my bag and blast some Michael Buble. Bublay. Bubble? Whatever.