First Dates

I just do not understand first dates.


First of all, what is a date?

The dictionary defines a date as..

an oblong, fleshy fruit, a staple food in northern AfricaArabia, etc., and an important export.

JUST KIDDING.

So it just so happens that it was 1st grade and all 
was well with the world...well sort of. 


I hadn't quite discovered brushing my hair, and I 
had the ease and grace of  well...T-swift's dancing at 
award shows.

Just take it in.

Pretty sure I still dance like that but let's tackle one issue at a time...


So you may not classify a date in 1st grade as a 'date', but guys, THIS WAS REAL LIFE and just because his mom was there and about 20 other children didn't make it any less special. (well now that I put it in writing its almost as if Billy just invited me to his birthday and called it a date....What a cheap skate)

So billy invited me snow tubing, which to all you people who live in places without snow...thats where you slide down a snowy hill on a donut of death plunging towards the bottom praying that you don't hit a tree, another kid or flip over. But somehow its the most invigorating experience of your young life, even when -40 wind chills scar your face with what can only be described as freezer burn.

Anyways, I was excited and yet confused that I was going to an all boy's birthday party and slightly concerned he had mistaken me for the new dutch boy in school, richard. But I was optimistic. THIS WAS A DATE.

SO because I come from a family of health professionals, I also come from a family who knows everything and anything about safety and what can kill you. 

Let's go over what normal kids wore tubing:

Snowpants
a winter jacket
a hat
a bike helmet or if you were cool,  a snowboarding helmet
mittens
boots

What I wore:
2 layers of pants
snowpants that doubled as overalls
socks (I wore these on my hands thank you very much)
a hat
and
last but not least...
a hockey goalie helmet (with. cage.)

Being in grade 1, I was approximately the size of a newborn baby, and had much difficulty actually holding my head up under the weight of the helmet...something that would later become problematic.

All was going swimmingly  (tubingly?), and I seemed to be fitting in nicely. This would appear to you to be a good thing, but lets just remind ourselves this was an all boys birthday party.

I had finally got the courage to go down the hill so I strapped on my   65 lb helmet and was ready to go. I wobbled around and waiting for the tube lift to take me up to hill.

This was it. My opportunity to impress Billy with my snow skills.

What I imagined in my head was me zipping down the hill, maybe doing a double flip and landing with my hair flowing in the wind. 

But instead, here's what actually happened.

As soon as I started going down the hill, I immediately regretted my decision. I proceeded to scream and flail my limbs like a bird trying to fly far far away from here. The flailing however, only seemed to aggravate the tube which sent me flying in the air and onto the snowy hill. 

So I'm lying on this hill thinking, "wow that was embarrassing" and "lets never do that again" when out of my periphery I can see the next kid coming down the hill straight at me.

Remember when I said the helmet was heavy? Yah well. it was so heavy I couldn't actually lift it out of the snow. The cage of the helmet had dug so deep in the snow, there was just a face down child that could be seen popping out of the snow. SO the entire birthday party including Billy ended up running over my head as I lay there helpless on the hill. Yes the helmet protected my brain, but it did not protect my pride. 

I thought "Well nothing even matters anymore.. *kid runs over my head* it cant be worse that this *another kid runs over my head* this should have been richard *kid runs over my head*"

It was my first date, and my date ran over my head with a tube.

Later, after everyone was down the hill, they realized I was missing, and saw a tiny body laying face down on the hill, her head buried in the snow just waiting for the  sweet embrace of frost bite. His mom and other kids had to pry my giant helmet and head from the snow and thats where me and Billy's young love went to die.

And that my friends, is why I don't understand first dates.

Graduating

I just do not understand graduating. 

Well.

This is it.
I'm graduating university.

I feel like theres nothing that could really prepare me for what's next.
Not even Lizzie Mcguire in her infinite wisdom.

What's worse is that I have to apply to actual jobs. Real life jobs. I mean I'm actually SO excited but I had to update my resume, which I think we can all agree is as exciting as getting an invite to LinkedIn.
I had to eliminate such sections as:

Food Accomplishments

and

My drawings.

ARG HIRE ME MATEY.

But alas, we all must grow up and do grown up things like graduate and say things like alas. Or quintessentially or unbeknownst, even when you feel like you beknow nothing.

Just last week someone asked me about my plans for my 401k and I told them I use my GPS to get to the 401.

It seems just like yesterday I was a wee babe graduating high school.
 Where the biggest decision I had to make was what to wear to a school dance that I wouldn't dance at. I did more of a swaying thing. This is actual footage of me at my prom:

Watch out world, I like to call my dance move the broken blender.

But now here I am, graduating university with a degree, a head full of knowledge and pockets full of money empty candy wrappers.

I still have a couple of hurdles to jump over before the big day, like writing my registration exam, and figuring ways to fit snacks in the graduation gown but all in all, i'm almost there.
**im thinking some sort of kangaroo-like pouch**

Adult life is calling and it looks exciting and everything but I really thought the end of these four year would be more climatic. 
In the movies, there is always like a big dance number or like Meryl Streep would appear saying she is proud of me for all I've accomplished. 

But they just give you a paper and in my case, a pin.

I even found a grey hair the other day.
It may have been my dog's, but I found it, and it was upsetting.


So here I am, standing on the edge of another adventure, deciding what to do. 
But first, I must cross that stage without falling.

Movie plots

I just do not understand movie plots these days.
So anyone who knows me, knows that I love movies.
If you don't know me and are reading this, then you should probably be doing something much more valuable with your time. Like reading a book. Or Adopting a highway.
If you do know me, then you knew what you were getting into and  thats on you.

ANYWAYYYS,

I feel like movies have lost their edge these days. I mean, people say there is a great one once in a blue moon, but the moon looks pretty white to me so I have  no idea what those people are talking about. The moon is obviously not blue, it's made of cheese.

Wait...WHAT IF ITS BLUE CHEESE.

So, I resolved to be the solution of this problem. Because if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Here are my spiced up versions of movies that I hope one day get made. I think they are oscar worthy personally, but I'll leave that to the Academy to decide after they rectify the greatest tragedy in movie history....

Poor Leo.

1. Detergent.
Where no cleaner has gone before.

2. Spanx on a Plane

120 minutes of people not being able to breathe.

3. Bean-atar.
"Can you paint with all the colours of the Bean?"

4. Frozen Vegetables
"Let it Thaw! Let it Thaw! Broccoli never bothered me anyway"

5. Oprah-the Great and Powerful
 " And YOU get a flying monkey, and YOU get a flying monkey"

So, any  movie directors who are reading this: these are my suggestions. And yes. Yes I know I am a genius.

Graduating

I just do not understand graduating.

Listen, I get it. We're getting older. We have to make grown up decisions. We have grown up responsibilities like car payments, grocery shopping and showering.

But here's the thing: it just all happened so quickly.
One minute I'm graduating high school and everyone's like:

and then you're all like

But at the same time, it's totally okay because this is a new chapter.

However, something strange happens when you enter university. Suddenly, people think you are automatically a genius. As if touching your acceptance letter was like receiving the knowledge of all things via osmosis jones.

Even when I was a first year nursing student, people would ask me my "medical opinion" and I was too embarrassed to say I legitimately had no IDEA what the  strange rash on their elbow was so I did what any normal first year would do.

and if THAT genius idea doesn't work, I went to my fool-proof approach and told them its whats on the inside that counts.

And looking back I think to myself:...

Yes, I call myself "Ann" in my mind.

and yes, it feels like a long time ago I was in first year.

Me just studying, 2011 #nomakeup #nofilter

and then before I knew it...
I'm here in fourth year...graduating.

and then something horrible happened.

the worst thing you could think of.

No NO...WORSE THAN THAT.

GRAD PICTURES.

Now,  I know what your are thinking.

"wow, don't be so dramatic. It's just pictures"

Let me get something clear with you. I have a painful past when it comes to formal posed school pictures.
When I was in grade school, I didn't understand that keeping two strands of my blond hair out of my bun on either sides of my face, would not only make me look bald  but make me look like I had  extremely aggressive sideburns. I also didn't realize the importance of good graphics. SOMEHOW, the graphics got messed up on my picture and half my bottom teeth ended up being being positioned above my upper lip.
So, not only did I look like a bald kid with aggressive side burns, I had face teeth.
All around, not a positive experience.

and then there are those awkward poses.
and don't get me started on how to smile. It's like my face loses total control of itself and is like "HOW DO I SMILE". and so I over think it.
That can result in several outcomes.

1) I look WAY too eager.

2) I look super unimpressed

3) I look super uncomfortable

IN ANNNNYYY CASE,

graduation is months away so I have some room to breathe.

Man, life goes fast.
Blink once and you could miss it!
Blink twice you could potentially have something in your eyes..
Blink 182....you could miss "all of the small things"...whaaaaaattt

Birthdays

I just do not understand birthdays. 

So, I just turned another year older.

Thank you, thank you. You're too kind.

But have you ever noticed that whenever you reach a milestone birthday, people say 'Congratulations' like it's some kind of accomplishment?

"Good Job, you lived."

Like do we not understand how birthdays work? 
They are kind of an annual thing. 

For those confused, let me explain to you what a birthday is:

"A birthday is where you get all your friends and family together to light a cake on fire to celebrate something that you did absolutely no work for. "-Webster's Dictionary

If only I got celebrated for all the times I didn't do any work.

"Congratulations!!!! You spent the ENTIRE DAY watching NETFLIX!! YOU GO GIRL! YOURE AN INSPIRATION!"

Also, when I was little, a girl got me candy as a birthday gift. I went inside for 2 seconds and she ate it while I was inside.

It's still hard for me to talk about.

University Stereotypes

Walking around and people watching on campus is literally one of my favourite things. It's HILARRRRIOUS. People do the craziest stuff when they are stressed out. One time, I saw a guy come into the weights section of the gym, pull up a mat and take a big  ol nap. It was beautiful.
Something I noticed while I was creepily people watching is the university stereotypes. Seriously, its a thing guys. I just do not understand them.

Let me explain.


First year (Froshies. noobs)

Ah, look at them. So fresh faced. Just finished promming. 

They have all these wild ambitions.

and everyone else is all like:

Also, you can spot them a mile away. They still leave the library to eat. I have literally no shame about this. I'd like to try and test the limit sometime. Maybe a 'make your own taco' station at the back of the main floor. Any takers?

And then you get onto...

Second Year (the 'oh my goodness I'm not even half way done' year)

Generally, I find this is the year people get super opinion-y. I'm all for social change and a better tomorrow but sometimes I'm not really sure what they are saying.

Me: *at subway* Yes, I would like some guac on my sub.
Subway person: oh, we are out of guac right now. 
Me: Oh dang. *jokes* Man, the world is running out of guac! 

Person in front of me in Subway line: 

My response: 

Moral of this story: Be the guac you want to see on your sandwich. #deep

Third Year: (the 'so close yet so far')

Day 1:

Day 2: 

and last but not least,

Fourth year (the final frontier)

Summed up in one picture:

so close. 

Happy Tuesday!

Final Exams

Ah, spring is in the air. Look at that sun shine! Hear those bird sing!

Oh wait, you can't because you are in the lower ground of a library that looks like a dungeon for books. Or is that what all libraries are.....

And then just when you are done with all your final assignments, you get the perfect thank you known
as


FINAL EXAMS.

wow. Look at how tough that font looks. I wouldn't want to mess with that font. It's like looking at your arch nemesis. Tough, brooding. Kind of like my own personal nemesis: 

Disgusting.

ah, that's better.

Anyways,

as I approach one of my last final exam season, I am reminded of some excellent study tips I have picked up over the years. I have decided to share them with you because I am your best friend.

Study Tip #1: Spend 70% of your study time using grade calculators.
They can accurately calculate how much you should freak out for this exam.

Study Tip #2: Find good study partners
My person favourites are these wonderful people named Ben and Jerry. Such sweet people. Can be a little cold sometimes.

Study Tip #3: Read the sillybus.
Excuse me, Syllabus.
It will help you figure out what textbooks you didn't buy.

Study Tip #4: Exercise
Look at this puppy. He is saying "Why would I be cramming, when I could work on my hammys?"

OKAY IM AWARE HE ISNT WORKING HIS HAMMYS IN THIS. OH MY GOODNESS people, i completed an anatomy colouring book just like EVERYONE else. He is clearly working his phalange.

Study Tip #5: Find some good study snacks
Suddenly things you would never ever eat become viable options.

Study Tip #6: Studying Osmosis

Study tip #7: When your prof says something won't be on exam, it most definitely will be.

These are fool proof guys.

Happy Studying! Keep your head up! Just remember:

Oh wait, he dies. 

Maybe that was a bad example.